The Sequel to the Sequel to Dracula

In 2110 a great deal of excitement spread through the literary world, when the great-grandnephew of Dacre Stoker published the long-awaited sequel to Dracula: The Undead, which itself was a sequel to the little-known book version of Dracula (which, surprising to many in the 22nd century, was a novel before becoming a movie and Twitter phenomenon).

Below is an excerpt:

Quincey Harker III approached the bleeding form of the Countess Elizabeth Bathory.
“I don’t understand,” he said, “why did you throw yourself in the way of that runaway locomotive to save that boxcar full of orphans, puppies, and kittens? According to the  novelization of my great-grandmother’s life by respected scholars Dacre Stoker and Ian Holt, you’re the bad guy!”
Bathory tried to speak, but found her crushed torso problematic. Instead she raised one limp arm to point just over Quincey’s shoulder.
Harker turned and saw none other than Count Dracula himself, who had hitherto been masquerading as a flamboyant, but wise circus clown throughout the entire narrative. He was busily devouring one of the orphans, but raised a finger to indicate he would be with Quincey in just a moment.
“Ahem,” Dracula said, wiping his bloodied mouth with a stray puppy, before tossing it to the railroad tracks. “I believe now we’re up to the ‘big reveal’.”
“No! It can’t be! You’re the good guy! And you’re my great-grandfather! Dacre Stoker and Ian Holt said so!”
“Um, no. We settled that whole paternity case ages ago. My sperm’s been dead for 500 years. I’m nobodies baby-daddy.”
“I don’t understand!”
“Yeah, you’re a little slow. Let me break it down for you Quentin.”
“Quincey.”
“Whatever. Back in 1897 an Irishman by the name of Stoker really messed up my groove. He wrote mad smack ’bout me–my breath smells, my palms are hairy, I don’t trim my nails. All lies. I practically invented metrosexuality. So anyway, I bided my time until the world became so shallow that someone would actually write and endorse a “sequel” to Stoker’s book that painted me as the good guy. It cost me an arm and a leg, I tell you, (Not my own of course) but it was worth it.
“Anyway, now I’m going to kill you.”
Just then the rising sun burst through the clouds, showering the two men in its golden rays. Quincey shouted triumphantly, until he realized Dracula was not turning to ash.
“Yeah, that’s another thing I had those fools add to their book. If you knew actually folklore you’d know vampires don’t burn in the sun.”
“You sparkle?”
“What?” Dracula looked down at his hands and cursed at his sparkling fingers. “Shit, I knew that rave was a bad idea.” He wiped the glitter unto his cape. “Anyway, if you’d read the original Dracula you’d know that sunlight doesn’t hurt me, it only limits my powers during the day.”
Quincey had a flash of inspiration, realizing that Dracula was now a mere mortal and vulnerable. This inspiration came too late, as Dracula drew his pistol and shot Quincey three times in the heart.
“Imbecile.”

Review: Dracula: The Undead

This is long overdue, but I had to give myself a few months to cool down.

The writing, like Meyer’s, is bad, but not unpublishable. Dialogue was definitely the weakest point.
Grade: C+

The characters, as original creations, are nothing special, as resurrections of Bram Stoker’s characters they are a complete failure. There is nothing of the original personalities and mostly they are just made pathetic and disgusting.
Grade: D

The plot was fine as an independent book. Nothing blew me away.
Grade: C+

The vampire mythos was puzzling. The authors contradict the original novel for no particular reason, other than to make their story match Hollywood’s versions of Dracula, rather than Bram Stoker’s.
Grade: D-

As a sequel to Dracula it was an abomination. I really have no other words than that.
Grade: F-

Overall grade: D (C- as an independent book, F- as a sequel to Dracula)

Review: The Reformed Vampire Support Group

The writing is OK, but not great.
Grade: B

The characters are a mixed bag, but the ones that are supposed to be likable are, which is a big plus over Twilight. I think there were more than necessary, but not so many that it was hard to remember who’s who.
Grade: B-

The plot was jerky. The initial murder mystery gets brushed aside by another plotline and then suddenly resolved mid-book with a chapter that essentially starts: “I didn’t know it at the time, but the following had happened and so-and-so killed so-and-so…” It left me wondering if this is what the author intended from the beginning or just got too swept up in the second storyline.
Grade: C

The vampire mythos was refreshing. The book depicts vampires (or at least reformed vampires) as weak and constantly ill, subsisting on guinea pigs and being extremely dependent. The protagonist actually writes vampire fiction about super-powered vampires as an escape from how pathetic her own existence is. It’s refreshing because it doesn’t take the easy roads other books do. “All vampires are evil,” is easy. “I’m good and only live on animal blood, but I’m still superman,” is easy and ludicrous.
Grade: A

Overall grade: B

I don’t know if this book is for everyone, but if you like a little humor and won’t mind sad-sack vampires, give it a whirl. I think it should be accessible to teens and adults, as the main character is a perpetual teenager, but is also 51 years old.

Twilight Review

Having finally made it through the first Twilight book (with no plans of reading the other books or seeing of the movies), here are my thoughts:

The writing is bad, but not unpublishable. There are far too many ellipses and em dashes and parenthetical statements, but style is style.
Grade: C+

The characters are generally bland, Bella most of all. There’s nothing likable there, nothing engaging or worth reading about. She’s vapid, self-absorbed, and has not a single redeeming trait. Edward didn’t turn out as bad as I’d expected, poor taste in women aside.
Grade: D (F for Bella, C for Edward)

The plot was non-existent for 370 pages and when it arrived it was trite and unsubstantial. This whole “tracker” idea was pretty flimsy and the only climactic scene gets glossed over while Bella is unconscious.
Grade: D-

The vampire mythos was also not as bad as I’d expected, though I was truly hoping she wouldn’t use the word “sparkling.” I can’t understand why she includes that bit, if not to make her books thoroughly mockable, but she does and I have to move on from there. I think people harp on the glitter more than is necessary, especially when they claim that real vampires should burn in sunlight, even though that was also a fabrication of later bastardizations of the genre. Meyer’s is just more laughable. As it stands, she adds nothing to the vampire genre and removes any sense that being a vampire isn’t awesome. The entire human population should become vampires in Meyer’s world and just live off animals. We’d be a race of super-humans and the bad vampires would have no one to hunt.
Grade: D-

The book is also thoroughly inappropriate for young teens and presents far too many bad messages. Setting aside the relationship issues, Meyer, for no particular reason, includes a scene where Bella rationalizes gratuitous use of cold medication because she’s having trouble sleeping (due to thinking about Edward). Is that really the message you want to send to teenagers? Really?
Grade: F

Overall grade: D

file:///D:/Lethal%20Doses%2011-19.doc

Zoophagous Child

I arrived at the North Hospital at two in the afternoon and found Dr. Vincent busily going about his rounds. He seemed almost surprised to see me.

“Ah, yes, Roger!” he said when I reminded him of his message to me earlier. “I’d completely forgotten about him.”

I was somewhat confused by this, but followed silently to the special ward he had set up for the six children. All were sitting around a small table eating a lunch of fish stew and warm bread. They were quiet as usual, the sun being still high above. But in otherwise good spirits. I walked up to Roger, a small boy with a pinched face and unruly blond hair, and asked if I could talk to him for a few minutes. He shrugged, but followed as we walked a few feet away.

“I in’ gonna do’ ‘gin, suh,” he started.

“Do what?”

“I’ t’bugs.”

“Oh? Why not?”

He looked at me quizzically, wondering if I was not a doctor, but a patient no doubt.

“T’ nuhse tol’ me ’tweren’ righ’, smack’ me on t’ear fo’t.”

“I see. Did you know it wasn’t right to do before you ate the spider?”

He shuffled on his feet, but eventually nodded.

“So why did you?”

“Well, t’otter day Tutie dared me t’i’ t’fly an’ I did, cus ’twere a dare an’ you got t’do i’. An’ I like’ i’.” He looked around to see if anyone was near, then leaned in closer. “I ated six afore t’nuhse caugh’ me.”

I thanked the lad for his time and returned to Dr. Vincent.

“He’s nothing like my late zoophagous patient, Mr. Renfield, but we should keep an eye on his behavior nonetheless. Make note of any strange activity, specifically as it relates to the time of day.” I turned to leave when Vincent called back to me.

“Jack, when are you going to tell me what’s going on here?”

Something twisted in my stomach, I don’t know why. I wanted to tell him everything, to hand over all the diaries and documents, but something held me back.

“When I have proof,”  I said at last, not turning back.

Countess Dolingen of Gratz

I easily found the old hotel I stayed at on my first trip to Munich. The ghost down was a short distance away. And then I got lost in that damned cemetery.

Sufficed to say, by the time I found the Countess’s tomb I was in no mood for further delays. I was there to confirm that she had indeed been impaled and to finish the job.

Unfortunately, the sun was setting as I entered the ancient mausoleum (yes, that was probably a bad idea in hindsight) so I had little light to see by. The coffin lid lay shattered on the floor as I remembered and the corpse lay uncovered, a long iron spike piercing it like a preserved insect.

I took the kukri from my bag and approached the thing that lay before me. I raised the knife high, when the dessicated face awoke and blood-red eyes stared up at me with horrible recognition.

“You?” it croaked.

“Er. Yes?”

“Is he dead?”

“Who?”

The thing spat a wad of dried blood at me, landing with a hideous sound on my cheek.

“Dracule, you imbecile.”

“Oh, yes. Quite dead. Finished him off myself.”

“Doubtful,” she said with a sneer. “Well, get on with it, will you.”

She closed her eyes and, without breath or blush, she looked truly dead already. But, knowing better, I raised the knife again and cut clean through her throat and spine, severing her head completely. Her flesh decayed before my eyes, leaving nothing but bones.

I left her body out on the ground in case a hungry wolf should pass, as a gesture of thanks, of sorts.

Note

Lest you think I’ve completely lost my marbles by continuing Real-Time Dracula after the original storyline ends, I refer you to the final note in the novel, which begins:

Seven years ago we all went through the flames.

That’s right. I can keep this going for seven more years and still consider it in “real time.” I won’t, but the important thing is that I can.

So stay tuned.

Transitions

Real-Time Dracula is over, but that doesn’t mean the characters’ stories have to end.  Keep following at http://twitter.com/Post_Dracula/post-dracula

Welcome to my blog.

Enter freely of your own will, and leave some of the happiness you bring.

Read on to follow the lives of the characters from Dracula and to join in the occasional discussion of the impact Dracula had on subsequent vampire fiction.

The end approaches

And just in time, Twitter released their List function, so I don’t need to do any more summaries:

http://twitter.com/Realtimedracula/rtdcharacters